symphony_kill

christmas list

2008-12-01T16:35:57Z

1.
urban outfitters
2.
Macbook, Best buy
3.
Shiny new rumor
4.
crochet ugg in blaccccck
5.
Classic Uggs
6.
Jcrew
7.
Jcrew
8.
Jcrew

symphony_kill @ 2008-05-22T14:37:00

2008-05-22T19:37:16Z

I miss back in the day when I used to take a billion photos, allll the time.
I dont take any now. Well, I take some, every once in a while, but no where near what I used to. I want to get back to that. I'd really like to get down to a cemetery. All the graves down here are above ground, because of the sea level and such. And I think it would make some interesting work. Cept, brilliant ol' me forgot both of my cameras, manual and digital. Way to go Regina.

I.m feeling a little strange. Its raining really hard here.

symphony_kill @ 2008-05-02T20:35:00

2008-05-03T00:33:12Z

I feel like I've lost passion for it.

symphony_kill @ 2008-03-19T14:53:00

2008-03-19T19:24:26Z

1. You're number one in my life. I never thought I could never have feelings towards someone like the ones I have towards you. I can't imagine my life with you. I love you with every single ounce of me. And I dont just love you, I am completely and entirely IN LOVE with you. I admit that you have your quirks, but they just make you special. You balance me out like no one else can. Sometimes you make me so mad I can barely see, but you always make it all better. Nothing can come between us, no one can get in the way of what I feel for you. No one's gunna love you more than I do.

2. Apparently we're in love, but some people are just silly. You're really close to my heart, even though we don't talk as much as we used to. But we're both adults and can carry on a good friendship without having to talk everyday, and thats a really good sign. Sometimes I think that you're a little naive, you let pretty girls walk all over you, I wish you would stop. You deserve much better than what you aim for. Love you bubby.

3. Why are you always grounded? That has totally put a damper on our friendship. Sometimes you do silly things, but I forget that you're younger - and that maybe be why you do those silly things. I want to feel close to you, but I honestly dont because I haven't seen you in months. I wish you would grow up and stop getting in trouble so we could actually hang out.

4. We went to high school together and never hung out. But that's okay because we're starting to hang out now. You're so cute and friendly. I really need to work on my super smash brothers skills, I'll get up to par with the boys...one day.

5. You are and always will be my "little sister". We can't really hold a conversation anymoure, but that's okay, we can say whats important. You're so unique and such a talent individual (in so many way). I sometimes wish that I was more like you. You're beautiful inside and out, I wish that you'd realize that.

6. You cut me out of your life for absolutely no reason at all. You think that because you get your own apartment that you're better than everyone that doesn't have their own place? You complain about how so many people are fake, but don't you realize that you're the fake one? You just lead all of your hometown friends on until you moved away and now you're too good for us. That's just fine, I hope your happy with all your decisions.

7. We stopped talking and hanging out for a very silly reason. I'm so impressed by how much you've matured in the short time we weren't talking. You apologized when you didn't even have to, it was very cool of you. I just hope that one day we can get back to the spot we were at. We have been friends for over 12 years, after all.

symphony_kill @ 2008-01-27T14:19:00

2008-01-27T19:19:40Z

ps, my best friend abandoned me.
her life is so much better now, I guess.

symphony_kill @ 2008-01-13T23:18:00

2008-01-14T04:53:32Z

So I've decided......

Friends only from here on out ! Comment and Add first !

symphony_kill @ 2008-01-11T01:17:00

2008-01-11T06:27:01Z

Today really made me miss you,
going to your house,
that isn't really your house.
And seeing your room,
that isn't really your room.
Talking to your mom,
who hasn't been the same.

What the hell am I going to do?
Forty-five minutes isn't terrible,
but who can I run to now?
Who's shoulder will I cry on?
Who will take me for ice cream,
and deal with my late night sobbing.
And drive me to work when my parents
take away my car.

Who's going to do all that?
Who have I got?
I HAVEN'T GOT ANYONE.

We can only grow farther apart from here on.
I can only become more lost.
I don't its set in all the way.
I haven't gotten it yet.

No more last minute Panera,
Or Huckleberries,
Or Gabe's,
Or bargain hunting at F21

Things happen though, can't stop that
and I can't blame you for this.
People grow up,
People move out,
move away.
That's life.

I'll eventually get around to that whole growing up thing
one day.
Maybe.
If my parents let me.

Lol.
ugh.
I'm depressing.

symphony_kill @ 2008-01-09T00:43:00

2008-01-09T06:14:05Z

Its funny to think where I was on January 9th for the passed couple of years. January 9th 2007 I spent in the hospital. January 9th 2006 I spent in the hospital as well, funny enough. Although I must say the hospital visits were complete different.

2007 I went in at 11am with my entourage to check in for my much needed heart surgery. I was supposed to be out of the hospital by nine, but we all know how that went. My surgery was supposed to be at 1pm, but the surgery before mine went wrong and cause at a four hour delay, so I didn't get in until about 5pm.

2006 I woke up feeling dead. I went to school feeling dead, feeling depressed. I remember breaking into tears on Rie's shoulder. I felt like my life was over. Thank God for Mrs. McCord. (I think I'm going to write her a letter.) When I woke up, I never expected to spend my day in the school's therapist's office, with a room full of crying people. Then I spent so many hours with police, then two different hours. I felt so lonely, so sad, so miserable, so degraded, so dead. Just thinking about it give me this hallow empty feeling in my heart. I can't believe that I lived through it. I can't believe two years have passed. I can't believe I'm still here.

I get the feeling that this year is going to be mellow, nothing can go wrong. For once I'm not in the middle of mid-teenage life crisis. That's a good feeling. I wish that Shaun was in town, to spend it with me. Give me a good memory for today, for the first time in two years. But he's in Philly, and I'm hanging out with Rie, so I'm okay with that. RieRie and Ina time will be good, cause she's like a spare backbone (:

I'm getting my hair cut soon. I can't wait ! My hair is so dead, damaged, and split, I soooo need a cut. I'm going to do my best to keep the length and just get a good shaping and trim. I like my hair long (so does Shaun) so I'd like to keep it that way.

Erin and Marc moved into their apartment on Sunday. I couldn't make it to help in the initial move in, because I was at work. I was really bummed, so I went over Monday to help Erin with some smaller things. She didn't really have anything that a home needed, besides a couple necessities, so we went room to room and made a big list. We took our list and went to the ghetto ! (Catonsville) We spent nearly 100 dollars buying cleaning supplies, kitchen things, food, and extras. We were going to go for Sushi since she lives in a really Asian populated city, but after the Walmart visit she reconsidered. When we got back we started putting everything together and by the time I left most everything was out of the boxes and everything was for the most part settled. Its neat that she moved out and has got this cute little apartment, but I'm sad.

It's 70 miles round trip to where she lives. I feel like I'm losing my best friend :/. We can say that we're not losing each other, but it's going to be so hard. It makes me sad, I'm so used to her living so close, and that's all out of the window. It was weird to need directions to my best friends house :/. I guess I'll get used to it, or get over it. I'm going back down to her house on Saturday, her birthday is Friday. I have to mail her card.

By the way, Happy New Years, everyone.
I got to kiss my lover at 12, over and over (:

Me, Spencer, Alicia, Laura, Melissa

Me (keepin it classy !), Crystal, Alicia, Kelly, Melissa, Laura

Agaaaain

Me, Spencer, BK, Alicia, Z, Laura, Melissa

And agaaaain

Alicia, Me (I stay pale), Laura, Melissa.

symphony_kill @ 2007-12-25T01:19:00

2007-12-25T06:35:18Z

I got the camera I wanted !
She's so incredible beautiful, and takes the most amazing and clear photos, Shaun and I played with it
and took cute couple myspace piczzzzz.

My wonderful boyfriend got me a new bottle of perfume (Lucky) and some lotion, the Saw Trilogy box set, and the cutest pair of vans slip on flats (: Cept, my flats are a little tight, I'm hoping they're let me exchange !

I feel like I didn't get him enough ): I only got him two seasons of House on DVD. He loves House and all, but I might get him something more when I get some time.

Just playing !

Christmas pictures !

So myspace,

Obv, I'm a weirdo, but for some reason he still likes me.

He's a keeper.

Happy Holidays,
I hope that everyone's have one as good as mine !

symphony_kill @ 2007-12-13T12:04:00

2007-12-13T17:05:50Z

Lobotomies must be mandatory for a diploma from Archbishop Curly.

symphony_kill @ 2007-12-10T23:56:00

2007-12-11T05:13:23Z

I was trying to disappear, but you've got me wrapped around you, I can hardly breath without you.
I got lost in your eyes now, you brought me down to size now.
It's okay that we're dying, but I need to survive tonight.

So all in one weekend I started and finished a six page paper (along with the forty-four pages of reading that went with it) finished all my Christmas shopping and wrapping, and got to spend the better half of three days with Shaun. I'm so good !

I really was expecting to have to pull an all-nighter to get this paper done, but I already took care of it. I was soooo elated, really. Its my hope that I can pull a B in Psych, if I don't, I'll be so crushed !

Maria flies in on Sunday, thats so awesome. She'll be here until 21st, I've got a rough plan of things we're going to do, but nothing really definite. The day she gets here I want to go down to the Inner Harbor and go to science center, depending. We also might go to New York with Christina and Josh around the 18th, which is totally over-due if I do say so myself.

Heidi's flying in too. Man, I haven't seen her is so long...I feel like I just want to talk to her so bad, and give her a great big hug. Her and I both have had the hardest damn year, its ridiculous. She's here until the 24th, I think she said. After Maria leaves I think that her and I are going to go to lunch or have some cute little date

Now I just need Brian to fly up for a couple days and all my bases will be covered !

Lol, I'm going to take a stab at trying to get him to come on Spring Break with me, Holllllller Sanabell Island ! I cant wait ! (Wanna come? Holller)

I have really conflicting feelings right now.

symphony_kill @ 2007-12-06T14:31:00

2007-12-06T19:33:07Z

This was really interesting to me.

Question 1:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Who would you vote for?

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

results :
Candidate A is Frank lin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Makes you think, doesn't it?

symphony_kill @ 2007-11-21T01:51:00

2007-11-21T06:53:34Z

I dont know how you get me to say the things I say, but they just keep coming out.

So I got a B on my Psych Exam today, go me. I think I'm going to get a B in that class though, which sucks, real bad. Although I am getting an A in English....if I wasnt I'd shit an egg. No joke.

I'm so done with my drawing class. It was great up until a couple weeks ago, we were doing a still life a day and life was WONDERFUL. Then it stopped ):

I have a headache and I dont have much to say, oh well.

symphony_kill @ 2007-11-19T23:02:00

2007-11-20T04:12:49Z

I stole this from Shaun, cause it looked fun.
Christmas list !!

symphony_kill @ 2007-11-16T14:02:00

2007-11-16T20:05:58Z

I've been jumping from the tops of buildings...

So, for my birthday I did get my tattoo, it's pretty intense

"What doesnt kill you, makes you stronger"
Chris at Main Street Tattoos, Edgewood MD
Two hours, Three hundred dollars

Its on my left side, and I only cried a little bit (:

My birthday was pretty chill. I skipped class, and Erin took me out to lunch at TGIFriday's
Then we went to Harford mall in search of a good pair of jeans...that I couldnt find anywhere.
Then at five I had to work, working on my birthday, totally lame I know.
But I did leave early (:. After I left work, I came home and had pizza and cheese cake with the family. Shaun thought I was lame for spending my birthday at home with my parents, so around ten thirty he came and picked me up. We didnt have anything better to do so we went to the Double T Diner for two hours. After that, we still didnt have anything better to do, so we drove down to Fell's Point...just so I could see where it was. Then he gave me a tour of Dundalk, lol.

Saturday my mom took me to get my make up done professionally, it was fun...really heavy and nothing I would normally wear, but it was still pretty. After that I went over Becca's and then we drove to Hooters to meet Amanda, Cassie and Mackenzie. The Hooter's girls made me stand on a stool and shake my butt while they sung Happy Birthday. They also told all the people that I was 21, I got a couple drink offers, lollll.

After I got home, Shaun came over and he practically spent the night. It was a really nice night. I made him watch Party Monster, because its only the best movie in the whole world, I think he actually liked it (:

I found out that I got a B in my math class, I'm actually still pretty upset about it. SUCKS SO BAD. I really wanted a 4.0 this semester, guess that's out the window. I just REALLLLLY need a 4.0 next semester. Well I dont need it, I just REALLLLLY want it.

On the tenth, I got my tattoo and Erin and I went and looked at an open house for this really nice townhouse. I personally I wanted her to move in there, but today they signed at lease for an apartment in Ellicot City. Either way, she's moving away from me and I AM GOING TO FREAK OUT WHEN SHE FINALLY DOES.

The first day her apartment is available to move in is the seventh, I freaked when she told me that. But thank god it's a Monday, so they're not moving that day. OH THANK GOD. Nothing good even came from a seven.

We put good old Gussy Dog down on Monday. I really couldnt believe how upset I was over it. I was a wreck, I think I'm still teetering on the edge of being a wreck...but I'm dealing. I laid with him for a good half hour, just petting him and crying and telling how much I loved him. The fur on his head and face was so wet when I finally got up. I didnt want to get up, because I knew as soon as I did they would take him away, and I would never ever see him again. I wasnt ready for that. I feel so empty without him. I know that he was just a dog, just my pet. But he was MINE, and he loved me. So much, and I loved him, more than anything. He was my babyboy. Man, I miss him. The only reason I got up was because Shaun was there. Otherwise, my parents would have had to pry me away from him. Shaun picked me up and we went to Cmart. It was a good way to get my mind off of him, I think. After Cmart we just came back to my house and watched TV, because I had to go to work. I cried so hard and hysterically on the way to work, I really thought I was going to crash.

When I got home, my mom told me how he looked happy as he walked into the room. She said he thought that the girl that walked him in was me. God bless his little soul. I woke up this morning and Suess was laying right next to me. Being all groggy and half asleep, I thought he was Gus and I was petting him so happily...then I woke up a little bit more and realized I'd only ever be with my puppy in my dreams.

Shaun came over last night, and we just laid in bed. Lol, we never go anywhere, we just lay in bed. Lazybones. Oh well. Tonight I have to babysit...I dont really want to, but I need the moneeeey.

My dad took my car this morning, leaving me with his gas guzzling piece of shit van. So now I have put all the money left on my card into his fucking tank so I can get up there. Shaun the freaking sweetheart he is, offered to drive all the way down from Dundalk, pick me up and drive all the way back...then drive me home again. He's so damn cute.

I have to go get in the shower because...I havent yet, and it's already three oclock. lol.

...for the thrill of the fall.

symphony_kill @ 2007-10-27T00:14:00

2007-10-27T04:24:00Z

I really hate being unsure of things. It always makes me so uncomfortable.
For once I'd just like to be completely, one hundred and ten percent sure of something. I'm not sure what, and at this point I think just being sure of anything would be a relief. Lately, I'm not even sure of myself or who I am, where I'm going. I feel like I dont know who I want to be anymoure. At the same time, I'm trying not to worry about things like that...I'm just trying to let things be. But I'm such a thinker. I over think everything, all the time, way over the edge. I ruin so many things, for myself and for everyone around me, just by thinking. I think, and I think, and I think, until I say something I regret.

I have much to learn about careful thought before I speak. I wish I was more timid. But at the same time, if I was more timid I would worry that I was missing things in the world. Missing chances, missing opportunities.

My birthday's next week. I dont know anything that I really want. A new camera, and that 100 greatest 80's songs cd pack would be AWHSOME, but I dont really want anything. I do think I'm getting a tattoo though, so happy birthday to me.

Lately I've been getting a lot of headaches. I'm not really sure what that's all about. Maybe I'm not eating enough lately, who knows. I took my math final, I hope I passed because I really dont feel like going to that class anymoure. I only have one more class of Medical Terminology, but that's not for like 3 weeks. So currently I'm down to three classes, awhsome (:

symphony_kill @ 2007-10-17T17:11:00

2007-10-17T21:21:13Z

Get rhythm, when you get the blues, get rhythm !

So today, I went to a seminar to listen to Dr. Michael Eric Dyson speak. He was an amazing speaker, I really enjoyed it. After listening to him speak, I actually kinda want to read his book. Haha, I probably will.

After the seminar and my last class (I had to leave the seminar early to go to class) I went to the student life director, and signed up for the Katrina Relief Effort. In January I'm going to New Orleans, Louisiana for eight days. Other than re-building houses, I have no idea what I could be doing, but I'm sure I'll find out, and either way I'm still going. Its a hundred dollars, and that covers flight, hotel, and grub. Not a bad deal. After I signed up, I called Charles and told him. He seemed really proud, which is why I called him, I knew he'd like to hear it.

Also, I wanted to make sure he thought I could do it. He's been there; listening to him talk about it, I think it still gets to him, but pulling countless dead bodies out of flooded streets might stick with me for a while too. Though, thank god, my trip wont be anything like that. The student life director was so excited when I told her I was interested in the class. Apparently not a lot of people have signed up, I knew that would happen. I think that's also why I put off signing up, I knew if I did I would automatically get in. They dont have enough people to be picky about who they take.

symphony_kill @ 2007-09-24T20:00:00

2007-09-25T00:01:17Z

i like you a whole lot.
pretty serious business.
careful, dont mess up.

symphony_kill @ 2007-09-19T12:06:00

2007-09-19T16:10:19Z

you never stay away for very long do you?

lookin' better every time you come back.

i pick my car up tonight, i missed it a lot.

i was hoping to get it on my break from school, aka right now.

only another hour until my next class :/

symphony_kill @ 2007-09-18T00:16:00

2007-09-18T04:29:21Z

ugh. lately, i.m so exasperated. its not school or the work load of college, none of that typical crap. it's just that i feel lonely. i dont see erin enough, and brian, i never see him...ever.

why are my standards so ridiculous? i dont understand what causes them to be so high. and it's not that i dont go out and meet people, its just that once i do, i cant be happy with them. i guess that i hold them to expectations that i create. and no one can ever meet them. i'm constantly disappointed. i realize that i shelter myself from getting hurt, but even that hurts me.

i gave my number and myspace to the bookstore guy. i really thought that he'd call me, and he didnt. i was really disappointed, i was pretty sure that he was going to make some kind of attempt at getting to know me. yet, i feel like i knew he wouldnt.

i also thought that dave really liked me. guess i was wrong about that one too cause lately he seems to be avoiding me. whatever - not my problem, just another disappointment.

erin keeps saying that "whenever i get a real boyfriend" we'll do all these fantastic things. yeah fat chances, at this rate i.ll never be in a real, good, stable relationship. for as much dating, and flirting and macking that i do, dont you think that i'd be able to keep one around for a while, jesus its not that hard.

what my problem? ugh. i.m such a people pleaser and it gets me no where ! i'll go out of my way to be with someone, or make them happy but i get nothing but shit in return. i guess i.m so scared that people wont like me...so i feel like i need to put in the extra effort.

i think that i expect other people to make me happy, i expect to find everything i.m missing in life in one person. and THAT is certainly never going to happen.

"you must find happiness in yourself before you can find it in someone else"

i need to grow up, get over it, and move on with life !

i say that i dont want a boyfriend, and for the most part its true. but i.m so god damn lonely.

symphony_kill @ 2007-08-31T21:41:00

2007-09-01T01:49:15Z

it never ever stops.

i go to sleep, and i honestly think things would be better if i never woke up.
i cant remember a single day this passed year that i.ve been healthy, or at least
felt really, truly, healthy and good. everything its so momentary.

symphony_kill @ 2007-08-27T12:40:00

2007-08-27T16:46:32Z

so i.m supposed to get my test results on wednesday or so?

i.m at school. my art teacher is insane. she let us out a whole hour early, after she got done her speech about how she doesnt like taking roll....?

ahah whatever, cept that i have just been sitting around campus since 10am, waiting for my next class which is at 125. bahahah ! WASTING MY LIFE.

myspace is acting really gay too. WHATEVER MYSPACE, screw you.

this entry is really pointless, i.m trying to kill time...i.m going like forty five minutes until Math starts. Maybe my math teacher will be like my art teacher and just tell us to leave...i.m not holding my breath though.

my car is going to be hott as balls when i get back to it...and it.ll probably smell like a slim jim. ah gross.

i.m hanging out with Iggy when i do get out of class. I'm gunna make her go to the store and buy art stuff.

symphony_kill @ 2007-08-06T23:09:00

2007-08-07T03:11:51Z

if its not one thing...then its another. i.ll never be normal, i.ll never be healthy, i've never be able to not worry about some part of my body.

i got a phone call today, that no woman ever wants to get...from a certain doctor.
"we got your test results back, and there seems to be some abnormal cells"
followed with
"we'd like you to come in so we can take another look with a microscope.."

...i'm terrified.

symphony_kill @ 2007-08-01T21:41:00

2007-08-02T02:11:02Z

yesterday, will go down as one of the most terrible days of my life. right next to august 6th, january 7th 2006, july 7th 2006, january 9th 2007. after it all, i have to thank god for erin, my guardian, and even though it appears that shes losing her mind, i thank god for mrs. lisa, because the way she hugged me last night, kissed my forehead, told me she loved me, and held me made me feel so loved and wanted. something she said to me has been sticking with me ever since she said it..."sometimes families can suck, but thats why we pick our own...with people that really love us, and i really love you"

i vaguely remember things through the night. the thing that sticks out most to me was waking up and laying in erins bed...curled up at small as i could, sobbing as quietly as i could trying not to wake her up. i dont remember if there were actual tears, but i felt so compelled to sob. and strangely, it felt so good. i remember laying there, staring at the wall, telling myself to stop crying, to stop sobbing. at some point i finally rolled over at looked at her clock glowing in the dark. i watch it slowly go from 4am to 4o5am, to 41oam. at 411am i begged myself to just sleep. "just close your eyes regina, you're so exhausted, just go to sleep, just sleep it off, dont think, just sleep...just sleep, close your eyes and sleep. god damnit, just sleep" in the midst of my begging, i think i woke her up, and i felt bad for it...all in all, i think thats what made me go to sleep.

i woke up this morning, and she told me about how i was thrashing, and kicking. she asked me about my nightmares...the ones i dont remember having. she also told me about a number of times she heard me crying, rolled over to turn the light on, and i was fast asleep. i dont feel angry, and i dont feel any rage. i just feel so completely sad.

its the kind of sad that makes you feel like you'll never be happy again. the sad that makes you just want to cry all the time, and given the right moment, or too deep of a breath all your tears and sadness might just fall out of you...and you may never stop. its the sad where crying feels right, and crying all the time feels so appropriate. its a sad that makes smiling feel wrong, and laughing feel awkward. its the saddness that makes you upset. jittery to a point that you cant concentrate on anything.

today, as i was registering for my classes...i went through five registration forms because i kept putting the wrong numbers, the wrong classes, things in the wrong boxes, spelling my name wrong...the works. it got to the point that i just put my head down on the table and closed my eyes, doing my best not to scream in frustration and angst.

i have had many oppurtunities in short lifetime so far to claim that i hate my life. yet i havent so far. but now...i feel its only necessary to claim i hate my life. i hate it so much. unlike everything else, everything before this...this will never go away...this is what i.m stuck with. no surgery, no therapy, no anything will ever make this go away.

this is my life, and it completely fucking sucks.
you think your life in unfair ?
try mine on for size.

symphony_kill @ 2007-07-16T19:10:00

2007-07-16T23:10:35Z

people are so oblivious to everything around them. they live life concerning themselves with only themselves, and not what is and could be happening two feet away, or right behind their back.